| Who Said it: | Quote: | Submitted by: | Date Submitted: | Time (Eastern): |
| n/a | The leader's brothers: Hello Homer. Would you like to come to a video about how the leader will take us to the planet Blisstonia
Homer: will there be beer? The leader's brothers: What would you rather have: beer or eternal happiness? Homer: What kind of beer? |
geoff | 08/29/2002 | 14:42 |
| Cletus (at the car wash) | All right youngens, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches! Who wants wax? | Lizzi | 08/17/2002 | 02:00 |
| N/A | Homer (holding a tub of ice cream): Marge, where's that metal dealy... for digging...?
Marge: You mean a spoon? |
Lizzi | 08/9/2002 | 17:49 |
| n/a | Mafia guy: Johnny tight-lips, where'd they hit ya?
Johnny: I ain't sayin' nuttin. Mafia guy: But Johnny, what'll we tell da doctor? Johnny: Tell him to suck a lemon. |
Lizzi | 08/9/2002 | 17:47 |
| Homer | (scanning remote, trying to get Bart & Lisa out of TV) ...pause, no, ...three, no ...fuf-fuf (FF)... | Brandon | 08/7/2002 | 20:18 |
| Homer (on Laddie) | Oh yeah. A dog like this you have to feed everyday. | Brandon | 08/2/2002 | 11:37 |
| Grampa (to young homer) | You're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. | Dom | 07/28/2002 | 20:15 |
| N/A | Game Announcer: Oh, doctor, with SU behind and seconds left, my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tilly's root cellar. So we'll-- (Lubchenko hobbles back onto the field) Oh, jumpin' crawdaddies! Is that Lubchenko coming back on the field?
Lisa: Bart did it! And they're going to try for a field goal. Marge: Field goal, hmm? [counts on her fingers] Nineteen ... twenty ... twenty-one [gasps] That would win the game! |
Brandon | 07/21/2002 | 20:43 |
| N/A | Well, hang on to your hoop skirts, folks, because Anton Lubchenko is going to be kicking higher than a mule on payday. Oh, land o'lakes! Take that,
ozone layer! |
N/A | 07/21/2002 | 20:38 |
| N/A | Marge (about Lubchenko): Wow, he should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
Homer: (drunkedly) Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge? |
Brandon | 07/21/2002 | 20:36 |
| N/A | Homer: Any questions? Yes, Bart's weird friend.
Milhouse: Will you be my Dad? Homer: You've got a father. He's just a dud. Next question... Yes, the girl Bart has a crush on. Bart: Ohhh. |
Kevin | 07/13/2002 | 11:24 |
| N/A | Lenny: Hey Homer, that's four strikes in a row. You've got a perfect game going.
Homer: Really? Carl: Careful what you say, Lenny; you'll jinx him. Lenny: Oh, right, sorry. Miss! Miss! ... Sorry, I was calling the waitress. [to waitress] Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke. Homer: Lenny! Lenny: What? I paid 7.10 for this split. |
Kevin | 07/13/2002 | 11:23 |
| N/A | Wiggum: All right, smart guy, where's the fire?
Homer: Over there. [points to burning police station] Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317: Pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 314? No, no, 314 is a dog... uh... in, no... is that a 315? You're in trouble, pal. |
Kevin | 07/13/2002 | 11:21 |
| N/A | Marge: I can't get Maggie to eat. Maybe if you try...
Homer: Oh, I'm twenty-six hours late for work- no time for Maggie. [Sees the back of a cereal box] Ooh! Where's Waldo? No... no... this would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope... no... [gasps] It's him! No... Marge: Homer! Homer: Waldo, where are you? |
Kevin | 07/13/2002 | 11:20 |
| N/A | Simpson Family: Ooooooh-ooooooooh!
Snake: Ooooooh-yuck! |
Brandon | 06/11/2002 | 23:35 |
| N/A | Homer: Yes sir, Mr. Scorpion.
Scorpio: Don't call me that. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. |
Kevin | 06/3/2002 | 19:20 |
| N/A | Homer: There are 3 ways to do tings: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way
Bart: uh, isn't that the wrong way? Homer: yes...but faster!!! |
Jeff | 05/23/2002 | 18:34 |
| N/A | Fat Tony: Any last words, Simpson?
Homer: Yeah! You can kill me, but someone'll take my place. And if you kill him, someone'll take his place. And... that's pretty much the end of it. The town'll be yours. |
Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:54 |
| N/A | Bart: Cool! A lie detector! Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.
Lisa: Dad, make him stop! Homer: Well according to this he's telling the truth. |
Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:47 |
| Homer | You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commisioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield: that gives me the best feeling of all! | Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:41 |
| Loudspeaker in Kwik-E-Mart | SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED!!! | Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:32 |
| Marge | Homer, this is all your fault. If you hadn't plugged in your dancing Santa, none of this would've happened! | Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:28 |
| Wiggum (on PA) | Alright everyone, disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force. What? what? We're not prepared, Eddie? | Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:25 |
| Willie | Oh! Look at all these tube socks! | Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:22 |
| Homer | Ohh... Every time Santa and I get together, it's a disaster! | Kevin | 05/23/2002 | 02:21 |
| Homer | Marge, I can't say no to a helpless old lady. They put spells on you! | Kevin | 05/19/2002 | 19:44 |
| N/A | Lenny: Gee, Homer, I thought someone with two wives would be happy.
Carl: No, you're thinking of someone with two knives. Moe (with two knives): I gotta say this is pretty great! |
Kevin | 05/19/2002 | 19:27 |
| Ralph | Why does everyone always run away from me? (as he pees his pants) | craig | 05/14/2002 | 20:32 |
| Ralph | When I grow up, I want to be a principal, or a caterpillar! | Star | 05/14/2002 | 19:57 |
| Ralph | And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life! | Star | 05/14/2002 | 19:56 |
| Ralph | I heard your dad went into a restaraunt and ate everything in the restaraunt and they had to close the restaraunt! | Star | 05/14/2002 | 19:55 |
| N/A | Ralph: Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent!
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember that time you said snagglepuss was outside? Ralph: He was going to the bathroom! |
Star | 05/14/2002 | 19:53 |
| Skinner | Gaa! I've been taken down a peg. A whole peg! | Kevin | 05/12/2002 | 23:30 |
| N/A | College girl: She's worse than that 80-year-old that pretended to be a freshman!
Moleman: I just wanted a place to sit down. |
Kevin | 05/12/2002 | 23:22 |
| Homer (singing to tune of Tubthumping | I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink, and when I hafta pee, I use the kitchen sink. | Kevin | 05/12/2002 | 23:15 |
| N/A | Bart: I don't feel so good. Will you take me to the hospital?
Abe: Finally we're doing something I wanna do! |
Kevin | 05/12/2002 | 23:07 |
| Moe (on the Holy Rollers) | Aw, they think they're so high and mighty. It's 'cause they never got caught drivin' without pants. | Kevin | 05/9/2002 | 20:44 |
| N/A | Apu: I always thought Karma was bologna, but not anymore.
Homer: Mmm... carmel bologna... |
Kevin | 05/6/2002 | 00:00 |
| N/A | Homer: See Marge, I told you they could deep-fry my shirt.
Marge: I didn't say they couldn't, I said you shouldn't! |
Kevin | 05/5/2002 | 21:43 |
| N/A | Skinner: We can buy real periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Meyer.
Krabappel:Who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium? Martin: Ooh ... delicious? Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept snacktacular. |
Kevin | 05/4/2002 | 19:20 |
| N/A | Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ, the extra 'B' is for BYOBB.
Bart: What's that extra B for? Homer: That's a typo. |
Kevin | 05/4/2002 | 19:18 |
| Homer | Marge, I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich! | Kevin | 05/3/2002 | 02:56 |
| Homer | I've been muscled out of every business I've ever tried. Even my Muscle-for-Hire business! | Frank | 05/1/2002 | 20:21 |
| N/A | [Marge takes a cab home after Artie Ziff forces a kiss on her]
Cab Driver: That will be $791, ma'am. Marge: Just send the bill to Baron Von Kissalot! |
Frank | 05/1/2002 | 20:20 |
| N/A | Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged!
Banner: He's not the baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in. |
Kevin | 05/1/2002 | 02:33 |
| N/A | Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron! And I'll find you.
Homer: [distant, barely audible] No you won't! Banner: Yes, I will! Homer: Won't! |
Kevin | 05/1/2002 | 02:32 |
| N/A | Homer: We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!
Marge: Alright! |
Kevin | 05/1/2002 | 02:29 |
| N/A | Marge: Why do you have so many bowling balls?
Homer: Oh, Marge, I'm not gonna lie to you... So long! |
Kevin | 05/1/2002 | 02:29 |
| N/A | Bart (to camera): What are you looking at? Kent Brockman: "What are you looking at?" -The innocent words of a drunken child |
Kevin | 05/1/2002 | 02:26 |
| Thistlewick Flanders | Charmed. (Ned nudges him in the back.) Uh, a googily... doogily. | Brandon | 05/1/2002 | 01:00 |
| N/A | Homer: 'Fraid not infinity!
Ned: 'Fraid so infinity plus one! Homer: D'oh! |
Brandon | 05/1/2002 | 00:54 |
| N/A | Marge: Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer (with donut head): Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Lisa: Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. [Chief Wiggum and a lot of cops stand on the street outside] Wiggum: Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come outta there sometime. |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 02:02 |
| N/A | Lenny: Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming we ate all the donuts.
Carl: Well, there were a few left, but we chucked them at an old man for kicks. [Shot of Abe running with a donut stuck to his head] Abe: Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet. |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:58 |
| N/A | Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.
Wiggum: They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date? |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:54 |
| N/A | Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood, with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. Police are baffled.
Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed. |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:53 |
| Wiggum (on PA) | Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, c'mon, continue! C'mon, aww. | Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:49 |
| Wiggum | Take that, ya lousy dimension! | Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:48 |
| Wiggum | Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's- Oh my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around. Crowd around. Don't be shy. Crowd around. | Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:46 |
| N/A | Wigggum: Well I'd like to help you ma'am, but I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
MARGE: I'm pretty sure there is. Wiggum: Hah. The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle... Lou: Uh hey, she's right, Chief. Wiggum: Well shut my mouth! It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling! (to officers gambling with squirrels)- Boys, knock it off. |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:45 |
| N/A | Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors.
[kids laugh] Miss Hoover: The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:40 |
| N/A | Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up! Goulet: Vera said that? |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:37 |
| N/A | Flanders: If any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield!
Happiest man in Springfield: No, no, not me, friends! He's talking about himself. But thanks for looking! |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:35 |
| N/A | Tester: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz] Alright maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. [ding] Tester: It checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] Alright! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment. [buzz] |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:32 |
| N/A | Moe: Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
Carl: You ain't thinking of getting rid of the dank, are you, Moe? Moe: Ehh... maybe I am. Carl: Oh, but Moe- the dank. The dank! |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:24 |
| N/A | Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingie.
Judge: You mean a mistrial? Hutz: Yeah! |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:23 |
| N/A | Homer: Ah haha! Look! That kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Heh, heh, heh. C'mere you butterball!
Uter: Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate! |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 01:22 |
| Apu | A Mounds Bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. | Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 00:12 |
| N/A | Flanders: Hi-dily-hey!
Homer: Go home. Flanders: Toodily-do! |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 00:11 |
| N/A | Flanders: Har ye, Har ye! I declare myself pickled tink about Springfield's bi-cen-ciddly, ti-ten-toodly, rin-tin-tennial [gasp] day!
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! |
Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 00:10 |
| Jose Flanders | Buenas ding dong diddily dias, seņor | Kevin | 04/29/2002 | 00:08 |
| N/A | Homer: WHAAA!!! HOMER MAD!!!!!
Bart: Thank God his pants stayed on. |
Kevin | 04/28/2002 | 23:53 |
| N/A | Homer: I'm tired of watching this Tarzan movie. Lisa: Dad, it's a documentary on homeless people. |
shelly | 04/28/2002 | 22:39 |
| N/A | Professor Frink: Here is an ordinary square- Wiggum: Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead! Frink: But, suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical Z-axis, there. This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a Frinkahedron in honor of its discoverer. Oogle hey, mmm hey. |
Brandon | 04/28/2002 | 20:33 |
| N/A | Homer: Honey, there comes a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
Lisa: But you didn't blow up Maggie's room. [an explosion from Maggie's room shakes the house] |
Kevin | 04/25/2002 | 21:11 |
| Homer | Oh, it's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean up this mess. | Kevin | 04/25/2002 | 21:07 |
| N/A | Marge: And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer:Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes ... Now that's sarcasm. |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:49 |
| N/A | Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story? Homer: I like stories. |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:48 |
| N/A | Marge:Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
Lisa:The answers to deep theological questions. Bart:Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven. Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that? Bart: Our teacher. Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars? |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:46 |
| N/A | Lisa:Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Bart & Lisa: Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Homer:I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk. |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:45 |
| Homer | Lisa, I can't imagine anyone could be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way. | Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:44 |
| Homer | Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
|
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:43 |
| Homer | This ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it gives me the right, NO, the DUTY! to make a complete ass of myself.
|
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:42 |
| N/A | Bart: That's a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let's pick him up! Marge: No! What if he's crazy? Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:42 |
| N/A | Reporter:Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer:I'll handle this...the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:41 |
| Homer | Lisa, you missed a great race! First, Bart was winning, but then he said, 'This is stupid,' and he left, and I won!
|
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:40 |
| Homer | What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway | Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:40 |
| N/A | Marge: Homer! What have you done to the car? I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before! Before! You're living in the past, Marge. Quit living in the past. |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:38 |
| Homer | I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T...
|
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:38 |
| N/A | Bart: I thought I'd better tell you that I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Well that's no reason to block the TV. |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:37 |
| Homer | Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!
|
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:36 |
| N/A | Lisa: Dad! I had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh Lisa. You just lay down and tell me all about it. Lisa:I know this sounds absurd, but I was dreaming that the Boogieman was chasing me and... Homer:AAAHHHH! Boogieman! [Runs to Bart's room] Homer:Bart,I don't want to alarm you, but we may have an ordeal involving a Boogieman or BoogieMEN in the house! Bart:Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! |
Shelly | 04/22/2002 | 23:36 |
| N/A | Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a baby-sitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation... |
Shelly | 04/21/2002 | 23:44 |
| N/A | Lenny: Well, we made it here first. All because of teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, my teamwork. |
Kevin | 04/21/2002 | 01:52 |
| Park ranger | We'll take the chair lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair lift.
|
Kevin | 04/21/2002 | 01:42 |
| Mr. Burns | Cheating is the gift man gives to himself. | Kevin | 04/21/2002 | 01:41 |
| Smokey the Bear display | Only who can prevent forest fires?
[Bart presses button marked "you"] You pressed you, referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you. |
Kevin | 04/21/2002 | 01:41 |
| Homer | I hope you've learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anybody. | Kevin | 04/17/2002 | 21:26 |
| Homer | You know that batting this lightbulb is the only thing that cheers me up after getting rid of those million dollar greyhounds. | Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:28 |
| Homer | Me lose brain... uh-oh... | Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:23 |
| Homer | Look at those morons... I paid my taxes over a year ago! | Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:21 |
| Homer | Ohhh... there's only one beer left, and it's Bart's. | Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:16 |
| Homer | In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics! | Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:11 |
| Homer | Remember, son, the trick to avoiding jury duty is to say you're prejudiced against all races. | Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:10 |
| Homer | Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk! | Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:09 |
| N/A | Ned: Oh, we're done for. We're done for! We're done diddly done for! We're done diddly doodley done diddly doodley done diddly doodley- Homer: Flanders! Snap out of it! |
Brandon | 04/14/2002 | 22:07 |
| Homer | Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds. | Kevin | 04/7/2002 | 23:40 |
| Homer | Caution, objects may appear more edible than they actually are. | Kevin | 04/7/2002 | 23:39 |
| Marge | Yeah! I did it! Marge is in da house! Well I will be soon, as it needs some cleaning!
|
Kevin | 04/7/2002 | 23:39 |
| Lisa | Mom, my potato is eating a carrot! | Kevin | 04/7/2002 | 23:38 |
| N/A | Bart: Hey! Maybe he'll lead us to bananas!
Homer: Or more mouthwatering monkies! |
Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 21:23 |
| Homer | Don't worry, being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. | Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 21:23 |
| Homer | Aah! A hungry hungry hippo! | Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 21:14 |
| N/A | Homer: Very old animal crackers!
Marge: Homer, no! Those were made in the sixties. Homer: Mmmm... turbulent. |
Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 21:09 |
| N/A | Grocery Store Checker: Mr. Simpson, please will you go home!
Homer: If I can have this rubber stick. |
Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 21:08 |
| Homer (poking bag boy with some bread) | Hurry up! I can't stand here jabbing you all day! | Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 21:08 |
| Lisa | My teacher said I need cupcakes. Cupcakes to learn. | Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 21:07 |
| N/A | Woman: Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter told me that you were a decent man. I guess she was right.
Homer: You're both right. |
Kevin | 04/5/2002 | 20:57 |
| the cult and homer | nananananananana leader, nananananananana leader...leader..leader..BATMAN!!i mean LEADER | N/A | 04/4/2002 | 14:42 |
| Homer | Dear Lord, protect this rocket house and all those who dwell within the rocket house. | Kevin | 03/22/2002 | 19:34 |
| N/A | Burns: Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson.
Homer: So what? Burns: So buttons. |
Kevin | 03/22/2002 | 19:33 |
| N/A | Lenny: Hey, did you hear something?
Carl: No. Lenny: Did I? Carl: I don't know! |
Kevin | 03/22/2002 | 19:33 |
| N/A | Mr. Burns: This doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
Homer: No going through the window for us! |
Kevin | 03/22/2002 | 19:32 |
| Marge | I didn't feel right in Olde Springfield. They kept looking at me... with their eyes... | Brandon | 03/20/2002 | 23:17 |
| Homer Impersonator | B'oh! | Brandon | 03/20/2002 | 23:03 |
| N/A | Marge: Don't burn her, she's just a child.
Homer (holds up Bart): Burn this one. He lost our good bucket. |
Kevin | 03/17/2002 | 22:44 |
| N/A | Bart: Joan, give me your dessert.
Joan (Lisa): That's just you, Bart. God: Joan, give me your dessert. |
Kevin | 03/17/2002 | 22:42 |
| Homer | This one takes place in an imaginary kingdom called France... | Kevin | 03/17/2002 | 22:42 |
| Moe | Boy! Who decided to give every wierdo an island? | Kevin | 03/17/2002 | 22:41 |
| Flanders | Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans | Kevin | 03/17/2002 | 22:41 |
| Homer | Mmm... Homer's Odyssey. Is this the one about the mini-van I rented? | Kevin | 03/17/2002 | 22:40 |
| Troy McClure | As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest! | Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:54 |
| Bart | Gee, dad. You must really love us to sink this low. | Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:53 |
| Homer | Some wiseguy put a cork in this bottle. | Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:51 |
| Homer | Bart, you say butt kisser like it's a bad thing! | Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:50 |
| N/A | Krusty: Hey kids, who do you love?
Kids: Krusty!!! Krusty: How much do you love me? Kids: With all our hearts! Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air? Kids: We'd kill ourselves! |
Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:49 |
| N/A | Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, and I think you should take her.
Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on... Homer's Brain: Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching TV? Spending time with the boy! Homer: ...spending time with the boy! The boy needs attention, Marge. Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your relationship with her. Bart: Me too, mom. I think you're drifting apart. Homer: Shut up, boy! (To Marge:) Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because... Homer's Brain: You're trapped. If you were smarter, you might think of something. But you're not, so you might as well... Homer: All right, all right, I'll take her. (Quietly to self:) Lousy brain. |
Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:47 |
| Homer | Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night? | Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:39 |
| N/A | Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your solution to everything. |
Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:38 |
| Lisa | I have the feeling that years from now I will be describing this moment to a psychiatrist. | Brandon | 03/16/2002 | 00:35 |
| N/A | Marge: It's Grampa!
Homer: Munster? Marge: No, Simpson! Homer: Oh, darn! darn! darn! |
Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 23:36 |
| N/A | Marge: Maybe you should give him another chance.
Homer: No! He's gotta learn the hard way, just like my father taught me. Marge: He is your father. Homer: Cosmic! |
Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 23:35 |
| Newspaper Headline | Old Man Yells At Cloud | Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 23:34 |
| Chief Wiggum | You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the people they run over. | Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 23:33 |
| Homer | You sunk my Scrabble ship! | Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 23:32 |
| N/A | Homer: I give you "Botched Hibachi". The tricycle's on loan from the Maggie Simpson collection. This piece I call "Failed Shelving Unit with Stupid Stuck Chainsaw and Applesauce". And finally, my thing de resistance, "Attempted Birdhouse One".
[A bird squawks inside] Shall we start the bidding at, say, $10,000? [silence] Alright, how about a million? Moe: I'll give you two bucks for the bird if it's still alive. |
Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:20 |
| N/A | Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products. Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy? Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge: Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said. Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Homer: Bart, go to your room! |
Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:16 |
| Homer | For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene." | Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:15 |
| N/A | Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do you mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling. [Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.] Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) Mmmm... sacrilicious. |
Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:13 |
| N/A | Homer: I don't feel going to work today
Marge: But you have to, it's a Friday. Homer: But I don't want to. [phone rings] Homer: Hello? Mr. Burns: If you don't come in today, then don't bother coming in on Monday. Homer: Woohoo! Four day weekend! |
Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:08 |
| Homer | I discovered a new meal between breakfast and brunch! | Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:06 |
| Homer | Marge...I have to be alone with the sandwich. | Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:06 |
| Homer (singing into Lisa's sax) | Saxamaphone... saxamaphone... | Kevin | 03/10/2002 | 03:06 |
| N/A | Homer: AH-HA! Oh, twenty dollars... but I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Homer: Explain how. Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Homer: Whoo-hoo! |
Brandon | 03/10/2002 | 00:29 |
| Homer | OW! Pointy! Eew... slimy. Uh-oh! Moving! | Brandon | 03/10/2002 | 00:27 |
| Homer | Ah, the last peanut. Overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers. | Brandon | 03/10/2002 | 00:26 |
| N/A | Marge: Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.
Homer: Steak? Marge: Money's too tight for steak. Homer: Steak? Marge: Uh, sure. Steak. |
Brandon | 03/10/2002 | 00:24 |
| N/A | Homer: It's time to hit him where he lives!
Bart: His house? Homer: Bingo! |
Kevin | 03/7/2002 | 21:21 |
| Homer | Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy. | Kevin | 03/7/2002 | 21:14 |
| Homer (singing) | Hey big spender! Dig this blender! Rainbow suspenders! | Kevin | 03/7/2002 | 21:05 |
| N/A | Carl: Hey, you're the king, Homer!
Wiggum: King of the neighborhood! |
Kevin | 03/7/2002 | 21:04 |
| N/A | Homer: Marge, I'm bored
Marge: Why don't you read something? Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom. |
Kevin | 03/7/2002 | 21:03 |
| Nelson (singing) | Gonna dig me a hole... gonna put a nerd in it. | Kevin | 03/5/2002 | 00:01 |
| Ralph Wiggum | My cat's breath smells like cat food. | Eric | 03/4/2002 | 12:18 |
| Homer (on being mistaken for Bigfoot) | Oh, the guys at work are gonna have a field day with this. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 01:14 |
| Homer (on phone to work) | You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week ... I told you, my baby beat me up ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 01:03 |
| Homer | And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 01:02 |
| Homer | Dasher, Dancer ... Prancer ... Nixon, Comet, Cupid ... Donna Dixon. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 01:02 |
| N/A | Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hiya. Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn. Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 01:01 |
| Homer | I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 01:00 |
| Homer | Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2% and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:59 |
| N/A | Homer: Marge, it's 3 a.m. and I worked all day!
Marge: It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:59 |
| Homer | Look, Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband, I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I'm sorry -- oh well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:57 |
| N/A | Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:57 |
| Homer | Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:57 |
| Homer | That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:56 |
| Homer | Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:53 |
| Homer | Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:53 |
| Homer | He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:53 |
| Homer | Who spread garbage all over Flanders's yard before I got a chance to? | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:52 |
| Homer | It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:51 |
| N/A | Woman: I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him.
Homer: 'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. And I gotta live with him. Bart: You're the man, Homer. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:51 |
| Homer | Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:50 |
| Homer | Oh. Well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:50 |
| Homer | Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:49 |
| Homer | I've heard 'em all... `I like you as a friend.' `I think we should see
other people.' `I no speak English.' `I'm married to the sea.' `I don't want to kill you, but I will ...' |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:48 |
| Homer | I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:47 |
| Homer (on Itchy and Scratchy) | You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:47 |
| Homer | I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:46 |
| N/A | Man: You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox! |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:44 |
| Homer | I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called `The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.' | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:43 |
| Homer | If the Bible has taught us nothing else, (and it hasn't) it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:43 |
| N/A | Homer: Aw, Marge, kids, I miss my club.
Marge: Oh, Homey. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club. Homer: The Black Panthers? |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:42 |
| Homer | It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why He lives on a plantation in Hawaii. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:40 |
| Homer | I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:40 |
| Homer | Thank you, Bill Cosby. You saved the Simpsons!
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:38 |
| N/A | Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:38 |
| Marge | Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:36 |
| Homer | I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:35 |
| N/A | Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:34 |
| N/A | Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live -- it's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:33 |
| Homer | Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:32 |
| N/A | Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer: You said it, you weirdo. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:31 |
| N/A | Homer: All right, Herb. I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks. But you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.
Herb: Nope. Homer: All right, then, just give me the drinking bird. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:31 |
| N/A | Marge: I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me...?"
Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut?" |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:30 |
| Homer | I'm tired of being a wanna-be league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:30 |
| Homer | Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:29 |
| N/A | Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do?
Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!! |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:29 |
| Looking at bowling balls | Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (Reading) "It will send your pins to ... Valhalla?" Lisa?
Lisa: Valhalla is where vikings go when they die. Homer: Ooh, that's some ball. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:28 |
| Homer | One day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:27 |
| Homer | Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to Increase Your Word Power.' That thing is really, really, really ... good. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:27 |
| Homer | Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:26 |
| Homer | Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experienced ... well, not today. You saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest. Are we the most pathetic family in
the universe, or what? |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:25 |
| N/A | Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:25 |
| N/A | Burns: Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmm... open-faced club sandwich. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:24 |
| Homer | Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:23 |
| Homer | Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:23 |
| Homer | Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddys, and kids with fake IDs. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:22 |
| Homer | A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:22 |
| N/A | Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy? |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:21 |
| Homer | Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:20 |
| Homer | Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good things so tasty?
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:19 |
| N/A | Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:19 |
| Homer | Oh, `no attitude,' eh? Not `in your face,' huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:18 |
| Homer | You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:17 |
| N/A | Kent: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:17 |
| N/A | Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
Pump Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Homer: Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:16 |
| Homer | I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:15 |
| Homer | Hee, hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:14 |
| N/A | Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:14 |
| Abe Simpson | I used to be `with it.' But then they changed what `it' was. Now what I'm `with' isn't `it' and what's `it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:13 |
| Homer | If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:11 |
| Homer | There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service... But those were all dead ends. I think this chair is the answer. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:10 |
| Homer | Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:10 |
| Homer | Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:09 |
| Homer | Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:08 |
| Homer | We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:08 |
| N/A | Homer: Okay, okay, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders!
Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday, and- Homer: The Springfield River! |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:07 |
| N/A | Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.
Bart and Lisa: Noooooo! Homer: Mainly your mother. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:05 |
| Homer | Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:03 |
| Homer | I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War! Heh, heh, heh!
|
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:03 |
| Homer | Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:02 |
| Homer | The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. | Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:01 |
| N/A | Herb: I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there! And I want to pay you two hundred thousand dollars a year!
Homer: And I want to let you! |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:01 |
| N/A | Homer: I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt.
Bart: We've seen it, Dad. |
Kevin | 03/4/2002 | 00:00 |
| N/A | Homer: I'm a bad father!
Selma: You're also fat! Homer: I'm also fat! |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:59 |
| Homer | I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. And- and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:59 |
| N/A | Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:58 |
| Homer | I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk -- end of story.
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:57 |
| N/A | Marge: Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him.
Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner! |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:57 |
| N/A | Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
Homer: Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred and fifty dollars here. |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:56 |
| Homer | Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:47 |
| Homer | Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much, but you're living in a world of makebelieve. With flowers and bells and leprechauns. And magic frogs with funny little hats...
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:46 |
| Homer | I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing! | Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:34 |
| Homer | Listen, you big, stupid space-creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:33 |
| Homer | See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:33 |
| N/A | Car Tracking system: Car gone. Car gone.
Wiggum: We know that. Where has it gone? Car Tracking system: Car gone! Car gone! |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:30 |
| N/A | Snake: I'll win you back if I have to pistol whip this guy all night
Homer: Pistol whip?! [Imagines eating whip cream labelled "Pistol Whip" using a pistol as a spoon] Homer: Mmmm... pistol whip... |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:26 |
| Homer | Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me; I have a wife and kids! Eat them.
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:23 |
| Homer | Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love. | Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:22 |
| Homer | Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero... Cruddy... Crummy... Krusty the Clown!
|
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:21 |
| N/A | Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods. |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:20 |
| Homer | As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family. | Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:19 |
| Fortune cookie fortune writer | I said let a frown be your umbrella. They changed it to smile. A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile! | Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:06 |
| N/A | Lisa: How is the feast of twelve delights with triple happiness sauce?
Waiter: Very disappointing. |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 23:04 |
| N/A | Homer: Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles?
Bart: Yeah. Homer: Let's do it. |
Kevin | 03/3/2002 | 22:48 |
| N/A | Horst: Yon've been safety inspector for two years. What initiatives have you spear-headed in that time?
Homer: Uh, all of them? Horst: I see... Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well. Homer: I sure do! ... Fritz: Such as? Homer: Well, uh, I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat up dollar bills, because a lot of workers really like candy. Horst: We understand, Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate. Homer: Mmm, the land of chocolate. ... Homer: la, la, la, la, la Fritz: Mr. Simpson? Homer: la, la, la, la Fritz: Mr. Simpson? Homer: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate? Horst: That was ten minutes ago. |
Brandon | 03/3/2002 | 03:03 |
| N/A | Abe: You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place that I'm sure I've never been to.
Mrs. Bouvier: That's so sweet... Abe: Ooh, I feel all funny. (gasps) I'm in love! No, wait. It's a stroke. |
Brandon | 03/3/2002 | 02:56 |
| Spokesguy | Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you. | Brandon | 03/3/2002 | 02:51 |
| Marge | You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a broadway audience. | Brandon | 03/3/2002 | 02:49 |
| Marge | Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea. It's not going to happen! | Brandon | 03/3/2002 | 02:48 |
| Ralph | Me fail English? That's unpossible! | Lindsey | 02/28/2002 | 23:19 |
| N/A | Homer: My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal worker: What's your first name? Homer: ...I don't know. |
Kevin | 02/28/2002 | 00:40 |
| Moe | Ok, this is a number 6 from somebody's address. Or, is it a 9? You don't know. | Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:57 |
| Mr. Burns | Did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube. | Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:54 |
| Chief Wiggum | Aww, don't get excited. It's just a skull-shaped rock and a bunch of white sticks. | Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:52 |
| N/A | Wiggum: If there's a body in here, we'll drag it up. [throws hook into pond] Aww heck, it's just an old shopping cart.
Homer: Oh, and it's empty. Put it back; I don't wanna see it this way! |
Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:51 |
| Chief Wiggum | Oh, that is so cool! | Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:48 |
| Mesmerino | [holds envelope to forehead]
1776... [opens envelope and reads contents] How much is left in my checking account. |
Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:48 |
| N/A | Bart: This sounds like a case that only the Simpson family can solve.
Moe: Oh. Okay, uh... well we'll just be going then. Homer: Hey, you guys can come with us. Moe: No, no, no, you said Simpson family. I mean you know it sounded exciting, but uh.. you know, we don't wanna intrude. Marge: Thanks for understanding. Moe: Oh... oh, ok. Well uh... I- See ya. [Moe exits, then looks in through window. The Simpsons wave. Moe walks off, dejected] Homer: Bye Moe! |
Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:47 |
| Homer | Something else happened in that quarry. Something... else. | Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:39 |
| Moe | Ahh... look at all them stars. Buncha lazy lights. Don't do nothin' for nobody. | Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:38 |
| N/A | Mesmerino: When I snap my fingers, you will transform into... a famous historian!
Homer: Look at me! I'm a famous historian! Outta my way! [audience applauds] Mesmerino: Thank you. Now you are... Emily Dickenson. Homer: Look at me! I'm Angie Dickenson! Outta my way! |
Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:33 |
| Professor Frink | Oh dear, I've re-dorkulated. | Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:26 |
| N/A | Lisa: Now you've done it. You've really humiliated Mom!
Homer: It was hard on me too. I had to wear a suit! |
Kevin | 02/25/2002 | 00:24 |
| N/A | Officer Lou: Wow! That sure made us look bad.
Chief Wiggum: Slink away, boys. Slink away... |
Kevin | 02/24/2002 | 23:51 |
| N/A | Homer: Your cooking gets my lowest rating ever: seven thumbs up. It only has two moves: shake and bake.
Marge: You like Shake 'n' Bake! You used to put it in your coffee. |
Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 21:53 |
| Homer | I'm tired of running away. Did Braveheart run away? Did Payback run away? | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 21:51 |
| Homer | Hey, turn that down-under frown upside-down! | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 21:51 |
| Mel Gibson | It's hell being Mel. | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 21:50 |
| Chief Wiggum | Hey, look! It's Mel Gibson! Everybody, rush over there! | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 21:50 |
| N/A | Lisa: Dad! Watch out! We're headed toward the harbor!
Homer: Don't worry. We're in an electric car. |
Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 21:49 |
| Homer | Must eat 10-pound steak... must defeat guy I just met. | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 00:04 |
| Homer | I need some fuel for me mule, some gas for me ass. | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 00:03 |
| Cheif Wiggum | That's the end of your looney toon, Drugs Bunny! | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 00:03 |
| Sideshow Mel | Not the sky! That's where clouds are born! | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 00:02 |
| Principal Skinner | What a day. First the drinking fountain squirts me and now this! | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 00:02 |
| Marge | Oh, my little boy's out in the hot sun without his sombrero! | Brandon | 02/21/2002 | 00:00 |
| Homer | Uh oh... somebody's going to have a tummyache! | Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 23:59 |
| Homer | (On Bart) He's gone from Goofus to Gallant! | Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 23:59 |
| Bart | Note to Lisa: Get out. | Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 23:58 |
| N/A | Lisa: So love at first sight is possible!
Bart: And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch! |
Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 18:30 |
| Homer | Ho Ho D'oh! | Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 18:27 |
| N/A | Mall manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts? |
Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 18:26 |
| N/A | Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles uh.. Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have! |
Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 18:24 |
| Marge | (gasps) You can't say sex on the Internet! | Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 01:01 |
| N/A | Bart: Ralph? I thought you were dead.
Ralph: Nope! |
Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 01:01 |
| Homer | The pie shall be cut in half. And each man shall recieve... death. I'll eat the pie. | Brandon | 02/20/2002 | 00:59 |
| Artie Ziff | I'm Artie Ziff! | Kevin | 02/11/2002 | 00:51 |
| Homer | Oh no! If Marge marries Artie I'll never be born! | Kevin | 02/11/2002 | 00:50 |
| Artie Ziff | You can't spell party without Artie... if you mis-spell party or Artie | Kevin | 02/11/2002 | 00:49 |
| Homer | Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. | Brandon | 02/3/2002 | 02:21 |
| N/A | Marge: You don't think there's something wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong. |
Kevin | 01/26/2002 | 01:05 |
| N/A | Homer: Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing that's next to the other thing.
Marge: You mean this thing? Homer: Aaah! No, that is not the thing. |
Kevin | 01/24/2002 | 23:04 |
| Chief Wiggum | I tell ya, they only come out at night... Or in this case, during the day. | Kevin | 01/24/2002 | 23:02 |
| Homer | Did that butter churn just move? Cause if it did... | Kevin | 01/24/2002 | 23:00 |
| Sideshow Mel | Dear Lord! Look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon! | Kevin | 01/24/2002 | 23:00 |
| A Pirate | Captain, I know we usually bury the treasure, but this time why don't we use it to buy things? You know, things we like. | Kevin | 01/24/2002 | 22:59 |
| Homer | When you think about it, mud is nothing but wet dirt. | Kevin | 01/24/2002 | 22:58 |
| N/A | Bart: Who's Gabbo?
Homer: Probably some guy. Some guy named Gabbo. |
Brandon | 01/24/2002 | 20:02 |
| N/A | Chief Wiggum: Alright, time to throw in the Butterfingers.
(Officer throws Butterfingers into fire. They start glowing and jump out of the fire.) Officer: Hmm. It's not even singed. Chief Wiggum: Even the fire doesn't want them. |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 01:18 |
| Homer | Whatever. I'll be at Moe's. | Brandon | 01/21/2002 | 01:10 |
| N/A | Marge: I'm filing a class action lawsuit against big sugar. Would you like to give a deposition?
Chief Wiggum: Sure, I'll join your lawsuit. Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive. Ralph: I'm happy and angry. |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 01:05 |
| N/A | Homer: Wait! You went to a sugar factory? Were there oompa loompas?
Marge: There was one in a cage, but he wasn't moving. Homer: Aww. |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 01:02 |
| Garth Motherloving | Note to Marge: Get out. | Brandon | 01/21/2002 | 01:00 |
| N/A | Marge: Oooh! Sugar-free donuts!
Apu: No! That is sugar with free donuts. |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 00:57 |
| N/A | Bart: I need this candy for school. Candy class.
Homer: Get five bags in case we eat four on the way home. |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 00:50 |
| N/A | Principal Skinner: Bart, I know you can read my thoughts. If I find out you skipped school yesterday, your ass is mine. That's right, I think words I would never say.
Homer: I know you can hear my thoughts, boy... Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 00:49 |
| Chief Wiggum | Oh my God! Someone's taken a bite out of the giant rice krispy square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten. | Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 00:47 |
| Marge | I guess you can't use the law to nag. | Brandon | 01/21/2002 | 00:47 |
| N/A | Bart: Why don't you try to set a record, Dad?
Homer: That's a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three and a half minutes? Lisa: Only on Mars. Homer: The Simpsons are goin' ta Mars! So pack your bags and.. or maybe I'll think of something else. |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 00:46 |
| N/A | Homer: I'm here to break a world record. What's the longest anyone's ever done this? (Makes Crazy Homer noises)
Duff World Record woman: Three years. Homer: Fine. I'll just play the banjo with this cobra. (plays banjo with a cobra) Duff World Record man: Uh.. technically the cobra would get the record. He's the one playing. Homer: But it's my banjo! |
Kevin | 01/21/2002 | 00:42 |
| N/A | Pres. Clinton: If things don't go your way, just whine until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson. Pres. Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president. (Goofy smile) |
Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:29 |
| Homer | I can't stress enough how easy it was to win this prestigious race. | Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:28 |
| N/A | Bart: I was sitting there.
Lisa: Was not! Bart: It's mine! Lisa: It doesn't have your name on it. (Bart points at the ground) Marge: Bart, stop writing on the rug. |
Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:27 |
| N/A | Homer: Don't worry. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
Bart: Wha? Homer: I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls. |
Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:25 |
| Homer | Was that for real, or was it just a wonderful dream? | Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:23 |
| Jockey | What woman would marry us? We're freaks! | Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:22 |
| N/A | Nelson: Boy, that horse don't take no guff from anybody!
Other bullies: Guff!? Nelson: I mean shi-(gets beat up) |
Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:21 |
| Homer | All of those other horses will be shakin' in their horse dealies. | Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:20 |
| Homer | That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory... and he won't get to come. | Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:19 |
| Homer | Good horse. Here's a taco. And you'll get another one when you win. | Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:19 |
| Cheif Wiggum | I'd rather let 1,000 guilty men go than chase after them. | Brandon | 01/10/2002 | 20:18 |
| Mr. Burns | Oh, that rib always breaks. | Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:22 |
| Marge | (on Lionel Hutz) We really should stop hiring him... | Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:21 |
| Homer | He locked the door! I'll show him! (Rings doorbell then runs away) | Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:14 |
| N/A | Marge: Bart, stop throwing peas at Lisa.
Bart: Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. |
Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:13 |
| Astronaut (on potato chips) | Watch out! They're ruffled! | Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:11 |
| Astronaut | 3-2-1- make hatch blow now! | Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:10 |
| NASA Scientist | I just don't get it. That was non-alcoholic champange. | Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:09 |
| Homer | The lesson is never try. Heh, heh. Right in the butt. | Brandon | 01/6/2002 | 21:08 |
| N/A | Nerdy Kid: Everybody's got dates now, Lisa.
Ralph: Even me! |
Brandon | 01/3/2002 | 15:33 |
| Homer | You have to hand it to them dolphins, they just wanted it more. | Brandon | 01/3/2002 | 15:30 |
| Homer | D'oheth! | Brandon | 01/3/2002 | 15:25 |
| Homer | You know me, Marge, I love animals: beef, chicken, veal. | Brandon | 01/3/2002 | 15:23 |
| N/A | Bart: This smells like a museum.
Homer: Yeah. Good things don't end with 'eum.' They end with 'mania', or 'teria.' |
Kevin | 12/26/2001 | 22:39 |
| N/A | Burns: Running for mayor costs more than any honest person could afford.
Homer: I bet you could afford it. |
Brandon | 12/20/2001 | 18:14 |
| N/A | Bart: How did you find this place?
Milhouse: This is where I come to cry. |
Brandon | 12/20/2001 | 18:13 |
| N/A | Chief Wiggum: Alright men, set your nightsticks on whomp!
Officer Lou: Uhh... mine's stuck on twirl. |
Kevin | 11/16/2001 | 22:57 |
| N/A | Marge: I know you feel bad about the juice incident but I'm sure you can make up for it somehow.
Homer: That's it! Somehow! |
Kevin | 11/8/2001 | 22:04 |
| Milhouse | I'm free next weekend. There's plenty of Milhouse to go around! | Kevin | 11/5/2001 | 22:34 |
| N/A | Bart: Mom's gonna kill you!
Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should have done a better job hiding her keys. |
Kevin | 11/5/2001 | 22:32 |
| N/A | Homer: Why doesn't she just stay at your house?
Ned: At my house? What would the neighbors think? Lisa: We're the neighbors, and we don't think! |
Kevin | 10/29/2001 | 02:08 |
| Bart | I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows | The Dude | 09/21/2001 | 11:33 |
| Comic Store Guy | Hello Santa's Little Helper, if that is your real name. Bart Simpson, why don't you make like my pants and split. | Chase | 09/7/2001 | 19:04 |
| N/A | TV Announcer: And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever, at age 38.
Homer: Thirty-eight?! That's roughly my age! Marge, after a lot of thought, I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon. Marge: Oh, please! You get exhausted watching the Twilight Zone marathon! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:17 |
| N/A | Wiggum: Attention runners: On your mark... get set... now get outta here before I change my mind.
[bang!] Homer: I can't believe it! I'm actually running a marathon! Gaaa! Oh, I hit the wall! This is so painful! Hey! I got my second wind! Gaaaw another wall! Wuhoo! Third wind! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:16 |
| N/A | Bart: Gratzi, Springfield! (bird steals his fake mustache)
Runner1: He's a phony! Runner2: Lousy cheater! Sideshow Mel: I demand a re-race! Moe: I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run... On his trachea! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:15 |
| N/A | Bart: Who are you?
L.T. Smash: Ah, you'll find out in due time. Bart: Well it says here your name is L.T. Smash. Smash: The time has come. I'm L.T. Smash. |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:15 |
| N/A | Smash: Bart, I want you to meet and greet the other members of the party posse: He's smart. He's soulful He's Milhouse.
Milhouse: What up, G money? Smash: Next, he'll break your nose, your glasses, AND your heart, Nelson Muntz. Bart: Wait. These are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum? Ralph: Wheee!!! I'm a pop sensation! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:14 |
| N/A | Skinner: And now, are you adequately prepared to rock?
Kids: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Skinner: Silence! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:14 |
| Homer | I throw myself on the mercy of the Food Court! | Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:13 |
| Mr. Teeny (the monkey) | Eh-eh-eh-ooh Oooh! Oooh!
[subtitle: This plot made no sense! Tell the people!] |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:01 |
| Bart | Wow! Sacks! Burlap sacks! | Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 01:00 |
| N/A | Homer: Here little fella.
[pours beer in Linguo's mouth] Lisa: Dad, no! Linguo: Err-ror! Homer: I'm sorry, I thought he was a party robot. Lisa: Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! Grrr!!!! (then muttering as she walks upstairs) Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it. |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:59 |
| N/A | Lisa: Almost done, just lay still.
Linguo: Lie still. Lisa: I knew that. Just testing. Linguo: Sentence fragment. Lisa: Sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment. Linguo: (shifts eyes back and forth) Must conserve battery power. |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:57 |
| N/A | Mobster1: Hey! They's throwin' robots!
Linguo: They are throwing robots. Mobster2: It's disrespecting us. Shut up a'you face! Linguo: Shut up your face. Mobster2: Whatsa matta you? Mobster1: You ain't so big. Mobster2: Me an him are gonna whack you in the labonza! Lingo: Mmm. Aaa. Bad grammar overload! Err-ror! Err-ror! (Linguo explodes) |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:57 |
| Flanders | Son-of-a-diddly! | Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:55 |
| Dr. Nick | Inflammable means flammable? What a country! | Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:55 |
| Homer (drunk) | Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs... they suck! | Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:54 |
| McBain | My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her! | Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:53 |
| N/A | Chief Wiggum (answering 911 call): Nine-one-one, this better be good.
Marge: I cut off my husband's thumb! Wiggum: Attempted murder? You'll burn for this. Burn in JAIL! Marge: It was an accident! Wiggum: Yeah, yeah, save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uhh, what's your address so I can come arrest ya? Marge: Arrest me? Um... My address... It's um... 123 Fake Street. Wiggum: 123 Fake Street. Got it. |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 00:53 |
| Milhouse | The Statue of Liberty?! Where are we? | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:19 |
| Bart | War is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:18 |
| Apu | Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:17 |
| Marge | Anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:17 |
| Apu | Please do not offer my god a peanut. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:17 |
| Chief Wiggum | Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:16 |
| Homer | You don't win friends with salad. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:16 |
| Homer(on phone) | Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. Uh... Feast of... Maximum Occupancy. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:16 |
| Homer | The snakes! Get the snakes! Do I look like a snake to you? Ow!!! AAAAAhhhh Ahhhh! The show's over! Owww! Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:15 |
| N/A | Lisa: Are those real cobras?
Bart: Some are real, some are just robots filled with venom. |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:14 |
| N/A | Homer: I've got some chloroform.
... Apu: You idiot! Those are colorforms! |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:14 |
| N/A | Apu: Well, if the police won't help us, we'll simply have to take the law into our own hands.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. A lot of people are doing that these days. |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:13 |
| Apu | As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:13 |
| Apu | Thank you. Steal again. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:13 |
| Homer | I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please, Superman, help me! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:12 |
| Homer | Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:12 |
| Homer | Ah, beer. My one weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:12 |
| Homer | Ah, good old trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:11 |
| Homer | The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1. Cover for me. 2. Oh, good idea, boss! 3. It was like that when I got here. |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:11 |
| Homer | Beer. Now there's a temporary solution! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:10 |
| Homer | A cool ball gathers no gutters. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:10 |
| Homer | Curse you, magic beans! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:10 |
| N/A | Homer (On George Bush): I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody. Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical. |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:09 |
| Homer | All life's answers are on TV. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:09 |
| Homer | We monorail conductors are a crazy breed! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:09 |
| Homer | I'd say you're a lying scumbag. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:08 |
| Homer | Donuts... Is there anything they can't do? | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:08 |
| Homer | Don't mess with the dead, boy. They have eerie powers. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:08 |
| Homer | Does whiskey count as beer? | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:07 |
| Homer (praying) | Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done. (munch munch munch) | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:07 |
| Homer | Mmmm... hug... | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:06 |
| Homer | Mmmm... reprocessed pig fat... | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:06 |
| Homer | Mmmm... Gummy-beer... | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:06 |
| Homer | Mmmm... unprocessed fish sticks... | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:05 |
| N/A | Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:05 |
| N/A | Marge: Homer, did you call the audience 'chicken'?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible, that's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Ooh... fuzzy... |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:04 |
| Homer | When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany like that movie Spaceballs. But instead, it was dark and disturbing like that movie Police Academy. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:03 |
| N/A | Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:02 |
| Homer | Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:01 |
| N/A | Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse:
Homer: Ooh, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free fogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 14:01 |
| Homer | Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:59 |
| N/A | Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:59 |
| N/A | Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal! |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:56 |
| N/A | Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
[Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.] Homer: Umm... revenge? [Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here (step step step step... slam)] |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:55 |
| N/A | Lenny: Hay, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:53 |
| Homer | Operator! Give me the number for 9-1-1! | |||